I PUNCHED A SWEDISH GIRL IN THE FACE

Kid on my shoulders

I've done a lot of Martial Arts in my life. I did Tae Kwon Do for 10 years, some Kung Fu (hated it, too complex), Karate at University (dated my instructor, did not end well) and even Yong Moo Do here in Korea. I'm not a violent person at all, but I enjoy the artistry and discipline involved. I'm not bad at it either. I have a few black belts, some legitimate and some (like the one given to me here) that I got for being a foreigner in an all-Korean gym! It even has my name on it in gold thread!

So with this background, I went to a Thai boxing (Muay Thai) bar in Thailand, where they give you a free bucket of alcohol if you fight in the ring. This classy establishment is called Reggae Bar, and is on Koh Phi Phi, in the middle of Tonsai town. Drinks are double the price of anywhere else, which is how they get people in the ring! "Don't buy booze, we'll give it to you for free if you make an ass of yourself! Even better if you're already drunk!"

The idea is basically that friends or challengers go into the ring, put on boxing shorts, gloves and head guards and do "Muay Thai". In reality, drunk/stupid people get in there and beat the crap out of each other for three one-minute rounds. Seriously, people go ape shit, swinging hard and kicking their friends until the bell goes. One guy hit his friend so hard that his eye immediately swelled shut. He carried on though, booze makes you brave.

Real fighters: pic from omaa.org

I wasn't planning on "fighting". It was our last night on vacation and I didn't want to injure myself, given my propensity for doctors and surgery in Korea. All I wanted to do was see a Muay Thai match, because I had dabbled in it in Cape Town and seen some real, pro fights and wanted to see if this was the same or better. More on that later!** Anyway, this bar said there would be real matches in between the drunkards, so we sat around the ring, slowly sipped our 100Baht Chang cans (should be 50B) and waited for the pros.

At one point, a guy came round with his camera, showing all the girls a photo of a petite little thing who wanted to fight someone. I was getting tempted, this didn't look too hard and no-one was doing anything remotely like real MT. It was brawling, pure and simple. So I went to meet with her, she took one look at me and said "hell no". She was tiny though, I would probably have been too scared to touch her in case she broke. But she later returned with another girl in tow, a Swedish (what else, in Thailand?) chickie in a leopard print bra.

Pre-match conversation:
Me: So, have you done this before? Do you have training?
Her: No, I did Tae Bo for a bit but that was long ago (basically aerobics with a bit of kicking).
Me: Ok, let's not go crazy. Just put on a show and get our free booze.
Her: I agree, everyone else looked ridiculous, we'll just do it for fun. Nothing crazy.

I should have bloody known.

So we stepped into the ring and I prepared my opening salvo in my head. "Don't hurt her, but get a few shots in to make it look good. Maybe a light front kick to the stomach". I looked at The Lovely Gen on the sidelines. She wasn't looking so sure as she had a while before. I was nervous, the gloves were too big and the head guard was sweaty and smelly. The bell rang for the start of the first round. DING!

Holy crap, she came running right at me! She swung and shoved and spun me around and punched me in the back of the head before I even had a chance to move! So much for not going crazy. I then realised that she was drunk off her face, I should have known something was up when she danced around the ring in her bra beforehand! She had no fear, no sensation of pain and no control, it was a shit show. I elbowed her in the stomach a few times because she kept spinning me around, and then the bell went. DING! And then BAM! Shot to the back of the head. The crowd did not like that bit of cheating and went BOOOOOO!

In between rounds I gained some supporters, including the little thing who had initially brought this Scandinavian Slapper to my attention. TLG came rushing up, she looked like she was going to cry, poor thing. I was still calm though. I still thought I could go about this in a technically correct, proper way. I should have realised that this would not be the case. In the first round, the first time she spun me around and punched me in the back, I stopped and waited. I expected the ref to pause the fight, but he didn't. I still wasn't clicking that no rules applied!

The second round bell went and it was much of the same. Charge, swing, spin, back punch. She never landed any punches that would score points, like to my torso or my head, she just kept hitting my shoulders and holding on to me. I got a few more elbows in and a punch or two, but then BAM! Another one to the back of the head! Bitch! End of round, DING!

At this point I got another coach, a tall Swedish guy who said, "You're hitting too straight, too correctly. You're being too nice, just swing and hit the bitch in the face! Or unhook her bra! Get nasty!" He was so right. I then decided, "Bugger this for a bunch of bananas," and when the bell rang for the final round I was ready. DING!

She was tiring, so I charged. Kick to the stomach, shoving her backwards. Her eyes wide, she dropped her hands. I went in with one, two, three jabs to the face. Take that, you dirty scrapper! She lunged, spun me around and held on, but I spun around again, six fast shots to the face and head. The crowd was shouting, I had them on my side completely. Everyone loves an underdog, everyone hates a cocky cheater. That third round felt so damn good, she didn't touch me once, and she kept getting blown up for holding on to me. By the end of the round she was hardly throwing a punch. DING DING DING!

In the end the ref had to give it a draw because of my third round comeback. I walked out of the ring and random tanned people came up to me to high five me. It was like I'd won a belt at Madison Square Garden. But god, I was so tired I couldn't even drink my free bucket. I went back to our bungalow and crashed, and the next day I could hardly move my arms. But I didn't lose!

*Here's the video (thanks Brandie!) of the third round. It doesn't look as good as it felt, but you can hear the crowd shouting. I'm the one not in a leopard-print bra (ie. red shorts). Near the end you can see all the face punches in a row (00:35), and you can see how she kept grabbing me from behind. Still, it wasn't pretty, and I'm so unfit!



Oh, the real fights? Imagine WWF-style Thai boxing. Stupid, fake bollocks. I was more pissed about that than anything else, but what did I really expect? It was free, where a real MT fight night costs 100,000W for a good ticket. Lame!

A TODDLER KICKED MY BUTT AT SKIING

People who know anything about South Africa will know that we don't really get snow in winter. Sure, sometimes the Drakensberg will get some fluff, or the mountains near Ceres in the Cape will go a bit white, but for the most part it's not a place where you'd take up skiing. So you can only imagine the hilarity when a bunch of Saffas (and an assortment of other nationalities) attempted to stay upright on skis and snowboards in -5 degree weather.

Muju, freezing cold!

We decided on a day trip and went to Muju, about 3 hours from Daegu. It's apparently not the fanciest of resorts in Korea, but given that most of us had never touched a ski pole, it was perfectly adequate for our meagre needs. I decided to ski rather than be 'cool' and snowboard, mainly because I didn't want to risk breaking my wrist a month before going to Thailand, as a friend of ours did last year. I think I made the right decision, after watching my boarding friends' attempts to stay upright!

We left on a tour bus at 6am and arrived at Muju just before 9. It snowed along the way, which was delightful as it meant there would be real snow on the slopes and not just fake stuff. We were given our very sexy rented ski gear (mine was all blue so I looked like a Smurf) as we got off the bus, and were sent to change, get boots and skis, and meet the instructors. The package we booked (through Daegu Tour for 110k per person for everything) included a lesson for 2 hours, which was a god-send!

Snowboarders went one way and we went another. They got a pretty and relaxed girl who spoke decent English, we got a drill sergeant man who shouted at us, made us stand in two lines and did most things through the dramatic method of mime. I'm exaggerating slightly, but not by much. He was a young guy but very serious about his duties, and made us do the same things over and over again. He taught us how to fall (cross your arms, fall sideways and land on your bum) and shouted if we put our hands out. "No! Nonononono!"

Fay and Teacher discuss standing up after falling.

The most amusing part of the lesson was learning the 'frog position'. We're not quite sure if that's really what it's called, but Megan was doing some vague translating and caught the word frog, and we just added 'position' to it. So anyone who learns from this guy in future and he says 'frog position,' think of me! Anyway, this technique involves putting your skis in a V shape, with the close ends in the front. But your skis can't touch, the tips must be 10cm apart. If they're 9cm or 11cm apart, you'll get a stern "No! Nonononono! 10 centimetah!" from Teacher! So we went down a tiny hill over and over, practising the Frog Position, and anything other than "No!" was taken as a compliment. In the video you can hear him giving detailed instructions, and then saying "No!" after Tim's attempt.

Preparing to go down a little hill.

There were a couple of falls, but none from me, thank the lord. I was terrified of getting hurt, so I concentrated hard all day and stayed on my feet even when doing down the bigger, faster slope. Well, to be fair, there were 4-year-olds going down this beginner hill faster than we were, but when you're on it, it feels like lightning! It's so smooth and slippery, and my skis kept going straight/parallel so I'd go even faster. I couldn't stay in Frog Position! I just breathed as if I were going into labour and focused on not letting my skis cross, and made it down to the bottom without incident.

The only time my bum touched the snow was when I was at the top of the slope, putting my skis back on after the lift to the top. The left one wouldn't go on, so I kept sliding down the hill on the attached right ski and eventually fell on my ass. The Lovely Gen found this hilarious, and only after regaining her breath after laughing did she check if I was ok. Nice, babe! Nice! Shame, she took an almighty tumble a few minutes later though, the poor little thing. Thank god for Myprodol!


Most of us continued to play in the snow for the rest of the afternoon, while others cut their loses and went for some apres-ski coffees at the bottom of the big slopes. The snowboarders joined the skiers in the afternoon and I was very grateful I chose the skis. I don't know how much I'd enjoy not being able to move my feet independently of each other... And they spent more time on their bums than standing upright, and my back isn't in the greatest condition at the best of times. I did try the snowboard near the end of the day, mind you. I sat on it and went down the hill as though on a toboggan!

TLG and Smurf!

Rodney on his snowboard, waiting to go down the hill.

So much pretty in one picture should be illegal.

I BOWLED A TURKEY

This past weekend, The Lovely Gen and I joined some friends for a few frames of gay bowling. It's like regular bowling, except the ball doesn't go as straight. Ha! Sorry. We went bowling with some fellow gaymos and I had a great time! The others? Maybe not so much...

As mentioned before, I love me some bowling and will miss how cheap it is here when I go back to Cape Town. Also... I'm really competitive. Annoyingly so, I'll admit it. I go outside my body when I'm being obnoxious and tell myself to cut it out, but alas I cannot! I find going to bars without pool/darts/beer pong quite boring, and I take great pride in the fact that TLG and I are a pretty great beer pong team. Well, we were before our month-long no-drinking hiatus in November, but I'm sure our mojo will return during this month of December partying!

This competitive spirit carries over into bowling. I hate being bad at it and I get really annoyed when the ball goes into the gutter or hits less than 5 pins. I'll grab my thumb/wrist and make a face, claiming pain or that the ball 'slipped'. Well it did! Stupid lane oil! Everyone else, friends who are normal and don't treat bar sports as though they are life or death situations, smile and nod, scared to poke the bear. They're all, "Whoo hoo, I hit the pins and the ball didn't go in the gutter!" But I'm annoyed when this happens, it makes me sad. It's why I quit golf. My dad always told me, " Don't try and be Tiger Woods, just play the ball properly and stay calm." Yeah right. It didn't work when I was 10, it doesn't work now.

When I do get a strike I'm insufferable and smug. I bow, wave, high five everyone, and then shrug my shoulders as if to say, "Meh. No biggie. Happens all the time." Thank god my friends like me! Or maybe they just put up with me to spend time with TLG... So anyway, this weekend we were bowling with some new people from Busan, so I tried to behave a bit better so they wouldn't hate me and run away. It worked for a while, I was demure and humble after the first strike, but after that I was just too amazing to stay calm!

Seriously, I was on fire, it was like the pins and the ball were magnetically connected. In the final game, I got 154 points (I know that's not really a lot, but for most people I play with it is) which was a personal best and it included the elusive Turkey. A Turkey, according to Answers.com, is "bowling lingo for three strikes in a row. Probably, the most famous score for amateur and professional bowlers alike." Yes indeed! I got three in a row for the first time ever, and took a photo as evidence!

The fact that the next sentence is, "This is partly due to the fact it has an unusual name, and partly because even a beginner can get one," is immaterial. Whatever. Maybe I should invest in one of those fancy gloves that make your arm look robotic... Maybe I should join a league... Maybe I should get a shirt with my name on it...

TLG SAID 'IT'S FINE' BUT IT WASN'T FINE

A cool, Autumnal Saturday morning, in the recent past.

The Lovely Gen: Can we pop into the market? I want to get some short boots. (Fake Ugg boots, ankle height)
Me: Sure... (not excited at all, hate shopping)

*Bus to Daiso, buy random crap, cross the road to the market*

TLG, looking at boots: What colour should I get?
Me: Um...
TLG: Do you like them?
Me: Um...
TLG: Ok fine, I won't get them. You hate them.
Me: No babe, get them! I don't have to wear them! The brown ones!
TLG: No, it's fine. I don't want them.

These aren't the boots she wanted!

*walks away, further into market*

Me: Ooh, look at all this garlic! (Whip out phone, take pics with camera)

Garlic breath!

TLG: Let's get tomatoes! (Buys a big bag for 2000 Won/R14)

*Continue to take photos of everything, mostly stuff I'll never buy/eat, ever. Like Kimchi and rice cakes. Bleh!*

Smile and say kimchiiiiiiiii!

More pickled/spicy things

Rice cakes. Very pretty, but too chewy/tasteless for me

TLG: Gross, this fish smell is making me naar (Afrikaans for nauseated)! Can we leave now?
Me: Ok, sure. (Continue taking photos, Koreans annoyed/amused)
TLG: Ok... let's go...

What do you call a fish without an eye? Fsh!

Instant allergic reaction, just looking at this!

Octopi, non-moving ones

Meat-on-a-stick, kimbap, ddeokbokki

Pillows. The kids' section was further down.

Hand-made noodle man

Ajummas and flowers

Radishes. It was a huge bunch, the photo is deceptive

A colourful array of veggies

Yummy fish! Custard-filled heart attacks!

'Shrooms

Red Hot Chilli Peppers

Rice, in all colours

*Walk past shoe shop again*

Me: Babe! Here are your boots, let's get them!
TLG: *silence, walks towards bus stop*

MY STUDENTS CONTINUED TO MAKE ENGLISH MINCE

Last week I posted a collection of quotes I'd jotted down while marking High School speaking tests. My brother told me I was mean for taking the piss out of my kids, but I don't think I was. Do you think I was being mean? I just found a lot of the things they said amusing because of the sometimes inappropriate words they used, or how simply adorable or funny they were. So, with a guilt-free conscience, I present a few more quotes, followed by some insights I gathered in the two weeks I listened to them battle with a complex language.

• "I want to go to New Zealand. There are lots of beautiful mountains and tasty animals."
• "I want to go to German. I like sausage. I go to beer festival. Left hand beer, right hand sausage! *demonstrates with alternating eating/drinking motions*"
• "I like Harry Potter. My first kiss, watching Harry Potter. Harry gives me wizard feeling. Expecto Patronum! *makes spell/wand-waving motion*
• "I would eat poison. People say eating is the joy of life, but eating one dish is a horrible life. The pleasure of taste would disappear. I would rather die than live in this agony."
• "I want to see the Colosseum very much. It is broken a little, but it gives me a magnificent feeling." - I loved her way of saying it was a little bit broken, like it's no big deal, just some minor damage!
• "I will choose without hesitation my mother's kimchi fried rice. It has a unique flavour and aroma, and when I eat it I taste her love and devotion."
• "I want to be a social worker, and care for poor people. My boyfriend and I will build a village and become very rich!" Me: "In which country will you build a village?" Her: "Africa." Me: "Ok, but which country in Africa?" Her, confused: "Africa?!"
• "I want to go to Japan because I love sushi. I want to eat many kinds. Also, I want to tell them that Dokdo belongs to Korea!" - Dokdo is an island between the two countries. Each country claims it as theirs. Koreans get violent if you even tease them about this issue.
• "I want to be a bodyguard. I am strong and I like Tae Kwon Do. No, I LOVE Tae Kwon Do! Girl bodyguards are *thumbs up*" - 17 year old girl
• "My favourite food is cheese." Me: "Cheese?" Her: "Yes. No. Pizza!" Me: "So you choose pizza?" Her: "Yes. No! Vegetables! Um... (topic) change?"
• "I want to be the boss because I don't like working under anyone. I want to command my subordinates. I will target their respect." - So serious, I got scared.
• "I choose to eat soup. It has many nutrients, and nowadays people live a long time so when I am old I can eat it easily." - Love the logic
• "I think I will be living a single life. But I will not be lonely. I love cats, so I will have my lovely cats. I will enjoy my freedom." - 17 year old girl. Aw!
• "I want to go to England because I love soccer. I love Man U. My favourite player is Javier Hernandez because he is cute and a good player." - 18 year old boy. Koreans LOVE Chicharito, they think he is adorable!
• "I will win American Powerball lotto. Very rich man! *stands up to indicate on his body* Armani suit! Gucci sunglasses! Rolex left hand, Breitling right hand! Hermes belt! *shows me his belt buckle* This one is imitation, but soon real one. Big house, beautiful house, many cars in front of house!" - hilarious, super-cocky boy
• "I want to go to the USA. It is home of black music. Hip hop...*can't think of more examples* I like black music."
• "I wand to be a 'raijer'. I like animals, they are cute and fun, so I want to be a 'raijer'." - If you know Korean pronunciation (swapping R and L, saying J rather than Z) then this could either be 'laser' or 'eraser'. I couldn't figure it out, so my co-teacher and I tried to think of what it could be. Raiser! Someone who raises animals:)

When one teaches so many children (nearly 600), and only see them once a week, it's difficult to get to know their names, let alone their innermost feelings. While I wanted to shred my own eardrums by the end of it, I did enjoy learning about my kids, and Koreans in general. These are some things I learned:

• The gaps between job choices (nurse, social worker, teacher) and financial expectations were hilarious to me. So many kids said they want to do a fairly low/average-paying job, but then followed up with, "and be very rich". The quote above about Africa is a prime example of that. They are going to be very disappointed! At least some of then said they'd win the lottery, or marry a rich man.
• Given that Korea is still a pretty patriarchal/gender unequal society, and that it's a big deal if you don't get married, I was surprised by how many girls said they didn't want to get married and have kids at all. They wanted to focus on their careers. To be fair, they were the top-level girls, with high career expectations. Their facial expressions were comical when I asked if they saw themselves getting married. Utter horror!
• Despite always professing their love for western food like burgers, pizza and spaghetti, the majority of kids chose Korean dishes for that question. Kimchi Jiggae (stew) was the most popular, followed by kimbap (kind of sushi roll), bibimbap (google it) and chicken. The girls usually thought about the question a lot, but many boys just said ramen because it was easy. Quite a few boys said they'd choose their mom's cooking, but neglected to pick a specific dish. I imagine in 10 years they'll be sitting on the couch, playing Nintendo and eating Kimchi Jiggae their mom made.
• If I have to hear the word 'delicious' ever again, I will cry. Every single kid used it to describe their chosen food. "I choose xxx because it is delicious!" I'm going to do an entire lesson on ways to describe food! The worst part is that my vocabulary has shrunk so badly that I don't bother to use anything else either.
• Don't interrupt them to clarify/ask a question, they lose their train of thought and panic! This is especially true of the lower level kids, who have learned their responses like a parrot. Wait until they're finished speaking, then ask follow-up questions. Them; "My favourite movie is Twilight." Me: "Oh yeah, do you like Edward or Jacob?" Them: "Uh... Twilight is... um..."
• Almost every single kid, when asked to choose a second country to visit, chose Japan. In fact, I don't think there was a single kid who didn't say Japan. Most of them want to go there to see Disneyland, mind you, and because it's close to Korea. First choice countries include the USA, England, Australia, France (Prangs!) and the Maldives (?!). Also, there are only two cities in the USA: New York and LA. Also, Africa is a country.
• The most popular job choice was nursing, especially for lower level girls. I found this odd, and even thought they were deluding themselves, until my co-teacher told me that nursing is the easiest university course to get into. Odd! Other jobs included teacher, chef, vet, banker, accountant, interior designer, fashion stylist, soldier, model and public servant. Also, more girls than boys wanted to go into policing, with one saying she wanted to be Korea's top detective.
• Bibimbap is a favourite amongst students when they are studying, because it's the quickest thing to eat. Unlike other meals with side dishes, it's all in one bowl and they can shovel it down and get back to the books!
• This is going to sound really evil but by the end of the second week I didn't try to prod them along if they got stuck. I sat and watched them squirm, especially the kids I knew could do better. I just thought, stuff it. You've had three whole weeks to prepare, two weeks longer than the kids who went last Monday. Suffer!

TWO SOUTH AFRICANS MANGLED THE AUSSIE ANTHEM

On the first Thursday of every month, the (mostly foreign) English teachers in my town gather to drink Makeoli* and compete in a pub quiz. (My team, Three chicks and a Dick, usually wins. That's not important to the story.) Anyway, sometimes when we're feeling creative we have a theme night or get up to something silly, and this month was no exception for two attendees.

Some back story: During the Rugby World Cup (boooo!) semi-final between South Africa and Australia, four friends made a drunken bet. Rodney and Shaun (SA) and Megan and Jarrod (Aus) bet that whoever's team lost the game would sing the other two's national anthem at the next makeoli night. Um... So, to clarify, South Africa lost, so Rodney and Shaun had to sing the Australian anthem in front of everyone because the referee was a 'doos'. Google it.

They practised their Aussie anthems, with video links helpfully provided by Rodney's girlfriend (aforementioned Megan), and a few weeks later had to stand and deliver. They painted tank tops with Aussie-flagged hearts declaring their love for wombats and platypuses, donned board shorts in freezing weather, and did this:

As a South African, I would like to apologise to all Australians who may have been offended by this mangling of their national song. The boys really did try to learn the lyrics, the lesser-sung second verse included, but the moment was too much. The glare of the fairy lights blinded them to the majesty of the words. If it makes you feel any better, the damn song was stuck in my head for the rest of the night!

*Makeoli = Korean traditional rice wine. Tastes like fizzy milky beer.

PS: The voice at the end saying, "That's going on my blog!" = me.

I GOT ALL EMOTIONAL ABOUT LEAVING KOREA

Having been in Korea for two years, it was inevitable that I would come to love many things about living here. As the time draws near for The Lovely Gen and I to leave the Hermit Kingdom, I've started to get nostalgic and I've thought of some things I'll miss when I leave. Isn't that always the case? You always forget about the things that annoy or disgust you about a place when you're about to leave it. I cannot wait to get home to Cape Town, and there are a lot of things I won't miss about Korea, but I'm surprised to find that I'll miss more than I won't.

Annyeong chingus!

1) Having lived overseas before, I know that living in a transitory environment will always end in sadness when it comes to making friends. I've made some amazing mates, from all over the world, and I will miss them the most. Living in a very foreign country, you tend to open yourself up to people you might not befriend at home, and you become a better person for it. It opens you up to dispelling prejudices, being more open-minded and learning about people you might have dismissed in a more comfortable setting. You don't have a choice, or you'll be alone in a country that you don't understand and doesn't understand you. To leave them behind, or to have them leave you during the course of your stay, is devastating. For all the promises of keeping in touch, it's rare that you do, and the likelihood of seeing most people you meet again is very slim, unfortunately. But at least I have someone to call on for a couch to sleep on if I ever go to Glasgow/Wisconsin/Wellington/Manchester. To all my friends in Korea, past and present, Sarangheyo:)

2) One of the things I love most about living here, and something that could keep me here for another year all by itself, is the internet. It's the fastest in the world by a long way, and there are few places you can't get it. It's on phones, in airports, in shops, on the subway and in every single household. It costs practically nothing for unlimited broadband, and I will miss it insanely when I'm in South Africa. My dad, who uses the internet for his work, was telling me that it's not so bad in SA, the measurement is 10mb/s or whatever. I checked, and here it's 100mb/s upload speed. If you had to hypothetically download an hour-long tv show episode, it takes an entire day in SA. Here it takes 10 minutes max. Hypothetically.

3) Watching TV shows the day they air in the USA/UK/Australia. I have never watched this much TV in my life. I can't help it, the magic internet fairies deliver TV episodes to my computer every day! It will drive me positively insane to be a few episodes, if not seasons, behind in nearly all my shows when I go home. On top of that, I watch so many shows from countries not the USA, like Lost Girl and Rookie Blue from Canada and Masterchef Australia, that won't be on SA TV. What am I going to do?! What's that you say? Exercise and read books? Fine!

4) Cheap utilities. I've never paid more than 10 000 won for electricity in a month. That's not even R70. Usually it's closer to 5000. And we use lights, appliances and computers all day long. It's going to be a big adjustment turning all the lights off at home. And gas is so cheap, and we don't pay for water. It costs practically nothing to live here.

5) Living really close to all my friends, and being able to walk down the road to the pub. I love that I can call a mate and within five minutes we're sitting with a beer in hand. No drunk driving, and no trekking across the city just to have a cup of tea.

6) Being able to WALK places without fear of being mugged. At night. The feeling of safety is something I will really miss, not having to worry about my handbag or my life. To be fair, you can't walk around alone at night in pretty much any other country, so it's not an indictment of South Africa. Here we leave our handbags on a chair in the bars and go and do our thing, without anyone watching over them. It's just not a worry, and it's very liberating. We might be blase about safety, but so far nothing has proven us wrong. In fact, if you leave your phone on a train or in a taxi, someone will usually make an effort to get it back to you. Koreans don't generally keep things that do not belong to them.

Taxi driver reading and driving

7) Public transport. I can't wait to be able to drive again, but I really love that taxis, buses, trains and subways are so plentiful and cheap. We never have to worry about driving after a night out, or how we're going to get home. Taxis are super cheap, they all have GPS (even though the drivers are usually watching TV on them as they drive) and it's hard to find a place that isn't connected to a bus route. And yay for the KTX! Two hours and you're on the opposite end of the country in Seoul. But, as I said, I'm looking forward to being able to go on a drive in my own car.

8) Bowling alleys on every corner. I've gone bowling more often in Korea than in all 28 years of my life before living here, and it's one of my favourite things to do. I live in an area with four bowling alleys within walking distance, and it's super cheap. We played three games recently and it only cost us 6000 won each. R36 for 2 hours. Money for jam. In Cape town, if you go to Stadium-on-Main, you pay that much for a single game.

9) Service! I've never been given so much free stuff as I have here. I went grocery shopping the other day and got a free 2 litre bottle of orange juice. If you buy washing powder you might get a free pack of noodles. We went for dinner last week and got a free dessert. A lot of places, like doctors' offices and sports venues have free coffee machines. We went to a music concert and we all got free fleece blankets in case it got chilly. And we didn't have to give them back! I once got given a pack of kitchen paper because I posted some packages at the post office. If you buy cosmetics at Skin Food/Innisfree/Face Shop, you will walk away with a bag full of free samples/cotton wipes/hand cream. If you show loyalty to a shop/restaurant, you will be rewarded!

10) Having my bank balance in the millions. And being able to save half my salary. This isn't the real world as far as work and money is concerned, and I will miss being so carefree about money and monthly costs. It will be a bit of a shock to see a pay check in thousands rather than millions, it makes me so happy every month! When we first got our salaries, everyone made the obligatory 'I'm a millionaire!' joke. I fear I will never be a millionaire again, alas. Unless I win the lottery. I don't think I will have this much spendable money ever again, unless TLG has a vast fortune hidden away somewhere.

11) Being able to walk down the road holding TLG's hand without anyone batting an eyelid. Bizarrely, because Koreans in general don't have gaydar and don't even think people can be gay, we attract no attention. We're hidden in plain sight. Girls and women hold hands, as do males of all ages, and it means nothing more than friendship. I could kiss TLG for a full five minutes on a street corner and people would just think we're really good friends. So the irony of living in a country where they would freak out if they knew I was gay is that I can be as gay as I want in public because they don't know what they're looking at. It is a very strange situation indeed. But it will be nice to go back to Cape Town, so I don't have to travel to Seoul just to go to a rainbow bar!

12) Jimjilbangs and 'love motels'. I've never stayed in a jimjilbang (a kind of dormitory for travellers/drunks/old men, usually at spas, costs less than 10,000w) but I do frequent love motels when travelling. For those not in the know, a Love Motel is a place where people can meet up for a good time, if you know what I mean. Given that most people live at home until they're married, they need somewhere to canoodle, be it for an hour or a night. We tend to stay at the nicer places (60 000 for the room, still not expensive), because skimping on cost will result in bedspreads that glow purple under a black light. Gross! Also, love motels are often the only time I can have a bath, as Korean apartments rarely have them!

13) Very cheap health care. As mentioned in a previous post, I've undergone surgery in Korea, stayed in hospital and seen many a doctor. A visit for a check up, provided you have insurance (all foreign teachers do) will cost you around 5000w/R35. Seeing a gynaecologist, including ultrasound and a full exam, is only 30 000w. Where would you pay that anywhere else? And these are fancy doctors' offices, not crappy clinics. I went to a neurologist after my surgery and a consultation cost me 4000w/R25. My entire surgery, hospital and medication included, cost me literally a tenth of what it would have cost at home. Madness.

14) Koreans. The way they greet you so loudly when you walk into a store, and then everyone says bye and thank you when you leave. The way they're so willing to help you, and how excited they get when you speak even the most basic Korean. How well behaved the kids are, compared to other countries, and how they dress in identical clothing when they're part of a couple. Their quirky sense of fashion, their gorgeous black hair, and how they'll come up to you and say hi just to practice a bit of English, even if they've never met you before.

15) Mandu, sachet coffee from Family Mart, iced tea for 1000w/R7, cocktails in a bag, drinking on the street being legal, beer pong and free pool in bars, ramen, japchae, bulgogi, free lunch at work, travelling on weekends, autumn in Korea is so gorgeous, snow, Korean babies/toddlers, hundreds of kids being excited to see me EVERY SINGLE DAY for two years.

Remind me why I'm leaving again?

MY STUDENTS BUTCHERED ENGLISH TO MINCE

I spent the past week conducting speaking tests with my High School students. It was mind-numbing and they mostly butchered the English language beyond recognition, but there were some funny moments. Some tried to be funny, so I laughed. The others were unintentionally hilarious so I had to hide behind my marking book as they spoke because I was laughing so hard. Here are some examples of what I've listened to this week, they're not all bad. Some are just sweet or poignant, or just plain interesting. I learned a lot about my kids, which is the silver lining!

Q: Where do you see your life in 10 years?

• "I want to be a nice police woman to help people suffer from murder." Dexter, anyone?
• “I want to work in a hairline as a fright attendant.”
• “I will be a microbiologist and make a vaccine that cures everything. I will win the Nobel Prize for science and live in New York City, drive a Lamborghini and have a hot girlfriend.” – All with a big grin on his face, clearly taking the piss.
• “I want to be a police detective because I have the sixth sense. I will try to be honest. Lindsay, I have to report you to the police!” Me: “Why?” Him: “You are too beautiful! Give me many points.”
• “I am interested in playing with children. I will be doing love with my husband.”
• “I will win lotto. Win money, and buy a car, apartment and a school. I want to be a school president.”
• “I will be a CEO because it has a high salary. I will buy a Lamborghini, because it is sexy and I can hunt girls!”
• “I want to be an accountant. Keeping a money record book is my favourite hobby. In 10 years I will organize a school reunion, and there I will tell the boy I like about my feelings. Right now I am too busy studying.” – Favourite student, SUPER smart.
• “I want to be a public official and serve the citizens well. But mostly because public officials work less hours and have public holidays off. I will go scuba diving, horse riding a shooting in my free time.”
• “In 10 years I want to be on the catwalks of the top 5 fashion capitals. I am a model now, and when I walk the runway I have a mysterious feeling. Everyone is watching me and I feel happy.” – I’d never noticed her before, but she’s tall and really beautiful, so maybe I will be able to say I know a supermodel in 10 years!
• “In 10 years I will be the CEO of Pineapple, which will be my company name. I will be the most famous CEO and everyone will have my products. They will forget Steve Jobs.”

Q: If you could go to any country for a week, where would you go and why?

• "I want to go to the prangs. I want to see the paree and visit the apple tub. The apple tub is a beautiful buildings, and its head is 300m." Translation: I want to go to France, I want to see Paris and visit the Eiffel Tower. The Eiffel Tower is a beautiful building, and it is 300m tall.
• "I want to visit the USA to go to Nike stores and the big McDonalds, so I can have hamburgers." Right, because Korea lacks those things.
• “The life of developed countries is not more important. People don’t usually care about developing nations. I want to see their real lives, and if they are treated unfairly then I will reveal that fact with my words.” – Talking about going to Ethiopia. She was the only student to mention doing charity work or choose an African country.
• “I want to go to India! I want to see the Cannes Film Festival!” – He was so excited, shame. Hope he figures it out before he buys his ticket to Mumbai…
• “I want to go to LA to see a Justin Bieber concert and get his sign (autograph)” – 18 year old bully boy
• “I want to go to Italy. Pasta is my favourite food, maybe it tastes better there. Also, Italian men are taller and more handsome than Korean men. I want to watch Italian men.”
• “I want to go to Brazil to see the Rio Carnival. There are 60 000 dancers doing the samba *does a shoulder shimmy, giggles*.” Me: “Do you dance the samba?” Him: “No, I just like to watch.” Me: “You like the girls in bikinis!” Him: “Of course! I am a man!”

Q: What is your favourite movie and why?

• My best student, talking about her favourite movie: "It's a really cruel movie. I like that the main character kills, like, 10 people with a hammer. I like cruel things!"
• “My favourite movie is Wanted because Angelina Jolie appear. The end. *huge grin*”
• “My favourite movie is The Devil wears Prada. I don’t love it for the handsome men or the beautiful women, but for the fashion! It makes my eyes very happy.” – 18 year old boy, who does not have an easy time of it because he is so camp. I am very protective of him.

Q: If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life, what would you choose?

• "Apples are very good for health and help you lose weight. Nowadays my bowels have stopped, so I need apples to help me with my constipations." Entirely serious. No embarrassment on her part.
• "I like ramyeon. It is delicious. Ramyeon forever! The end." Ramyeon is Ramen/cup noodles/2-minute noodles
• “I love bread. It is soft and delicious. I don’t like pizza bread but I love cream bread! *Shrieks loudly and shivers with excitement.*” Disturbing.
• “I don’t think you should ask this question. It is not good advice. Eating only one thing is unbalanced and not good for health. But if I must choose then I will, rather than starve! *glares at me*”
• “I choose space food. It is little volume nutrition energy supplement. It is small and light. End.”

Q: Describe your city.

• “My shit is very small but it has many important functions.”

TLG UNBLOCKED A TOILET WITH HER HAND

Every now and again, when going to the teachers' bathroom at school, I'll walk into a cubicle to find an unflushed 'number two' toilet, sans loo paper, staring back at me. It's disgusting. A few weeks ago one of my co-teachers came up to my desk and whisperingly asked if I knew anything about it, hinting that maybe I was the one behind it. I said, "Do you want to know how it's not me? I don't put my toilet paper in the bin, I flush it!" Gasp! Horror! Explain?

School toilet, with bin. By 4pm it's not pleasant!

Given that Korea is one of the more technologically advanced nations on the planet, it is surprising how, uh, shitty, the sanitation system is. The pipes are far too narrow for the amount of people that live here, so there are many instances of overflows, blockages and general stinkery. To combat the blockages, people generally throw their used toilet paper in a bin next to the potty. It is a disgusting habit, and one that many foreigners refuse to follow, myself included.

The downside to this disregard for the rules is that we often find ourselves confronted with blocked toilets, from nothing more sinister than 1-ply paper. The pipes are so small! One morning, The Lovely Gen had to deal with such a problem at home and came up with a genius solution. We didn't have a plunger, so she used the power of Google and fashioned her own device out of the toilet brush and a plastic bag. The bag, once shoved into the toilet, created a vacuum and a few sharp plunges sorted out the block. Easy peasy.

This past weekend we went to a fireworks festival in the coastal city of Busan, and found ourselves in a similar fix at 2am in our hotel room. But this time, no toilet brush was handy! And no shopping packet! So we did the next best thing: hanger and bathrobe wrapper! Thank god we were sober and could sort it out, as the floor was flooding. Also, thank god for drains in the middle of Korean bathroom floors!

TLG wrapped the hanger in plastic and tried to do her usual plunging performance, but it wouldn't create a vacuum. Water was going everywhere, I was helping by taking photos, she was screaming because her arm was in toilet water up to her elbow (TLG: "Thank god this isn't poo water!"). We then tried the second bathrobe's packet, which was used without the hanger. TLG bravely put her hand inside the bag, stuck her arm into the toilet and used her hand as the plunger. Voila! The water retreated!

She then proceeded to attack me with toilet water hands. Luckily we'd gotten an expensive room equipped with a jacuzzi bath to make it all worthwhile.

First attempt: Hanger and bag. Obviously useless.

It's not working. Water everywhere!

Bugger this for a joke, let me just use my hand!

Toilet water hand! I'm gonna get you!!!

I FLASHED AN OLD LADY

A small, bundled-in-scarves boy runs to his mom in the supermarket, huddles close to her and stares at me from behind her legs. Confusion is written all over his face, his nose scrunched and head tilted to the side. “What is this foreigner?” I imagine his brain pondering. Not WHO, but WHAT. He looks up at his mom and speaks softly in Korean, and I pick up enough to know he’s asking her if I’m a boy or a girl.

I’ve got short hair. I’ve had it a few inches off my scalp for the majority of my adult life and never really had an issue. I’m not particularly boyish, and I think it’s fairly obvious, even in the changing times of Caster Semenya and Chaz Bono, that I’m a woman. Unless you’re Korean, in which case brains seem to short circuit when confronted with my chopped locks.

The Lovely Gen and my short-haired self

When I first arrived here I taught at a small-town elementary school, and I was the first foreign teacher they’d had in a while. As a result, I was a huge novelty and on top of it I had short spiky hair. Well, did this only throw their universe off kilter. For the first week all anyone, adult or child, asked me was why I had short hair if I was a girl. I had 6-year-olds tell me I looked like a boy. Even now, teaching at a High School, I get kids who tell me I look ‘handsome’ when I get my hair trimmed.

The irony is that Korean men are so metrosexual that I’ve often done a double take to see if the really beautiful boy on the subway is in fact a cute butch girl. But foreigners who do not look like characters from English textbooks are not held to the same standard, and I’ve been stared at and scrutinized for ages on buses, subways, trains and even in bathrooms.

I’ve become used to walking into a public bathroom and being checked out by everyone in there. This is especially common in winter, when my black ski jacket conceals my rather obvious female assets. They turn around, look me up and down, stare at my face for a few seconds and then turn around again slowly, not quite sure but willing to accept that I know where I am. All those women with their identical straight haircuts and identical outfits.

The most memorable occasion was when I was in a hurry to catch a bus in another city. I needed the bathroom really badly and was running to the ladies room. I dashed inside and was gathering some toilet paper (big roll outside, not inside the cubicles. Don’t forget!) when an old lady came storming up behind me. She poked me in the ribs from behind with her umbrella and shouted “NAMJA!” Boy! As in, what the hell are you doing in here, get out!

She pointed and waved, and as I was about to go to a cubicle she grabbed my arm. Anneyo! Yeoja Hwajangshil! No, girls' bathroom! So I unzipped my jacket, smoothed my t-shirt tightly over my boobs and shouted “Yeoja!” The look on her face was worth all the times people looked questioningly at me. Take that, granny! 36C, biyatch!

A RAINBOW-COLOURED HIPPO MADE ME CRY

In my previous post I regaled you with the story of how I discovered a fibroid the size of an orange in my uterus. The following is the tale of my hospital adventure.

As you can imagine, having invasive surgery in a foreign country, without your family (let’s be honest, mostly your mom) is super fun. The whole experience was surreal, from the big prayer circle the surgeons conducted as they put me under, to the fact that I ate the same thing (rice and seaweed soup) for a week, to the insanity that is surgical aftercare in Korea. Nurses who help you? Um, no. They give you drugs. (But they're very sweet while giving you said drugs!)

I can guarantee you that a hospital stay in Korea is unlike any other you’ll experience. I arrived at 8am on the day of the operation, and they quickly administered a delightful enema and inserted a catheter. Like, within 10 minutes of my arriving! I barely had time to say goodbye to a tearful Lovely Gen. Then, I was told to walk myself to the operating theatre down the hall (catheters are so comfy when walking!) and lay myself down on the gurney/operating table.

Before they could get cracking, the poor nurses and doctors had to remove my belly ring, which had been in place for the past 10 years and was thus reluctant to bid my belly goodbye. Confused looks were exchanged, much Korean was muttered (crazy foreigner, must be a gangster, etc), and then someone fetched a pair of pliers. After realising that my skin was not enjoying being stretched to breaking point while being stabbed with a rusty tool, they gathered for a prayer and put me under. I even counted backwards from 10 in Korean, high five to me!

When I awoke, I found myself in a room with four other women in various stages of childbirth/aftercare. The room wasn’t big enough for all the patients, let alone the nurses and various visitors next to, on and even under the beds. To make matters worse, in Korea they keep maternity hospitals really hot as it’s ‘good for health’ so I was boiling. I had a sandbag on my cut, which was much bigger than expected thanks to a surgical complication, a huge IV shunt in my arm and pain radiating to every part of my body.

The Lovely Gen visited me every day. So did the hippo.

Thank god for the morphine clicker, which kept me oblivious for the next 24 hours. During this time, I got to see the fibroid they had removed and put in a glass jar. I told everyone I loved them, including The Lovely Gen (true) and my co-teacher (she’s nice, but not true). I spoke to my mom on the phone but had no recollection of it later on, and various people came to visit me.

In Korea your family looks after you in hospital and there are no visiting hours, so there were people all over the place, all the time. The Lovely Gen had to sleep on a pallet under my bed, but got zero rest that first night thanks to bright lights, nurses coming in and out with meds, making sure I was ok, the other women moaning and having babies, etc. In all seriousness, I would not have survived that week if it hadn’t been for her. She was exhausted by the end of it, and still let me stay at her house for 2 weeks to recover. If I wasn’t sure she was the one for me before that, I certainly was afterwards.

You’re probably thinking, “Ok, this is all well and good, but what’s the deal with the rainbow-coloured hippo?” So I shall tell you forthwith. I had a shunt in my arm, for drips and injections, etc, which was not very comfortable. So my friend Fay bought me a long, rainbow-coloured hippo plush toy to rest my arm on. I love rainbows. Anyway, while examining this gift I looked at the tag, and it said that this thing’s name was Clytia, which I read as Clit-ia. Clytia the hippo. I have a filthy mind at the best of times, so drugs made sure I found this hilarious, which was not ideal in my current, cut-stomach-muscles state. Laughing hurt like a bitch!

The next evening, a bunch of friends came to visit me, which was very sweet of them. Before they arrived, I asked The Lovely Gen not to tell them about Clytia, because laughing hurt too much. Despite this, the news leaked during a lull in conversation, with everyone sitting around my bed. They all examined the toy, and started giggling. They tried hard not to laugh, the poor things, but you know how it is. You laugh hardest in church because you’re not supposed to. And the more they giggled, the more I laughed/hurt/ruptured my innards.

Finally, as everyone else burst into hysterics, I burst into tears because I was trying so hard not to laugh out loud that the morphine no longer helped. As you can imagine, there’s nothing awkward about that at all! Silence followed, feet were shuffled, throats were cleared and suddenly everyone had to leave for various reasons. The Lovely Gen was horrified, and to her credit she still apologises when I mention this cruelty. I would like to take this opportunity to apologise to everyone who witnessed my melt-down! Thanks for visiting me!