MY STUDENTS BUTCHERED ENGLISH TO MINCE

I spent the past week conducting speaking tests with my High School students. It was mind-numbing and they mostly butchered the English language beyond recognition, but there were some funny moments. Some tried to be funny, so I laughed. The others were unintentionally hilarious so I had to hide behind my marking book as they spoke because I was laughing so hard. Here are some examples of what I've listened to this week, they're not all bad. Some are just sweet or poignant, or just plain interesting. I learned a lot about my kids, which is the silver lining!

Q: Where do you see your life in 10 years?

• "I want to be a nice police woman to help people suffer from murder." Dexter, anyone?
• “I want to work in a hairline as a fright attendant.”
• “I will be a microbiologist and make a vaccine that cures everything. I will win the Nobel Prize for science and live in New York City, drive a Lamborghini and have a hot girlfriend.” – All with a big grin on his face, clearly taking the piss.
• “I want to be a police detective because I have the sixth sense. I will try to be honest. Lindsay, I have to report you to the police!” Me: “Why?” Him: “You are too beautiful! Give me many points.”
• “I am interested in playing with children. I will be doing love with my husband.”
• “I will win lotto. Win money, and buy a car, apartment and a school. I want to be a school president.”
• “I will be a CEO because it has a high salary. I will buy a Lamborghini, because it is sexy and I can hunt girls!”
• “I want to be an accountant. Keeping a money record book is my favourite hobby. In 10 years I will organize a school reunion, and there I will tell the boy I like about my feelings. Right now I am too busy studying.” – Favourite student, SUPER smart.
• “I want to be a public official and serve the citizens well. But mostly because public officials work less hours and have public holidays off. I will go scuba diving, horse riding a shooting in my free time.”
• “In 10 years I want to be on the catwalks of the top 5 fashion capitals. I am a model now, and when I walk the runway I have a mysterious feeling. Everyone is watching me and I feel happy.” – I’d never noticed her before, but she’s tall and really beautiful, so maybe I will be able to say I know a supermodel in 10 years!
• “In 10 years I will be the CEO of Pineapple, which will be my company name. I will be the most famous CEO and everyone will have my products. They will forget Steve Jobs.”

Q: If you could go to any country for a week, where would you go and why?

• "I want to go to the prangs. I want to see the paree and visit the apple tub. The apple tub is a beautiful buildings, and its head is 300m." Translation: I want to go to France, I want to see Paris and visit the Eiffel Tower. The Eiffel Tower is a beautiful building, and it is 300m tall.
• "I want to visit the USA to go to Nike stores and the big McDonalds, so I can have hamburgers." Right, because Korea lacks those things.
• “The life of developed countries is not more important. People don’t usually care about developing nations. I want to see their real lives, and if they are treated unfairly then I will reveal that fact with my words.” – Talking about going to Ethiopia. She was the only student to mention doing charity work or choose an African country.
• “I want to go to India! I want to see the Cannes Film Festival!” – He was so excited, shame. Hope he figures it out before he buys his ticket to Mumbai…
• “I want to go to LA to see a Justin Bieber concert and get his sign (autograph)” – 18 year old bully boy
• “I want to go to Italy. Pasta is my favourite food, maybe it tastes better there. Also, Italian men are taller and more handsome than Korean men. I want to watch Italian men.”
• “I want to go to Brazil to see the Rio Carnival. There are 60 000 dancers doing the samba *does a shoulder shimmy, giggles*.” Me: “Do you dance the samba?” Him: “No, I just like to watch.” Me: “You like the girls in bikinis!” Him: “Of course! I am a man!”

Q: What is your favourite movie and why?

• My best student, talking about her favourite movie: "It's a really cruel movie. I like that the main character kills, like, 10 people with a hammer. I like cruel things!"
• “My favourite movie is Wanted because Angelina Jolie appear. The end. *huge grin*”
• “My favourite movie is The Devil wears Prada. I don’t love it for the handsome men or the beautiful women, but for the fashion! It makes my eyes very happy.” – 18 year old boy, who does not have an easy time of it because he is so camp. I am very protective of him.

Q: If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life, what would you choose?

• "Apples are very good for health and help you lose weight. Nowadays my bowels have stopped, so I need apples to help me with my constipations." Entirely serious. No embarrassment on her part.
• "I like ramyeon. It is delicious. Ramyeon forever! The end." Ramyeon is Ramen/cup noodles/2-minute noodles
• “I love bread. It is soft and delicious. I don’t like pizza bread but I love cream bread! *Shrieks loudly and shivers with excitement.*” Disturbing.
• “I don’t think you should ask this question. It is not good advice. Eating only one thing is unbalanced and not good for health. But if I must choose then I will, rather than starve! *glares at me*”
• “I choose space food. It is little volume nutrition energy supplement. It is small and light. End.”

Q: Describe your city.

• “My shit is very small but it has many important functions.”