TLG UNBLOCKED A TOILET WITH HER HAND

Every now and again, when going to the teachers' bathroom at school, I'll walk into a cubicle to find an unflushed 'number two' toilet, sans loo paper, staring back at me. It's disgusting. A few weeks ago one of my co-teachers came up to my desk and whisperingly asked if I knew anything about it, hinting that maybe I was the one behind it. I said, "Do you want to know how it's not me? I don't put my toilet paper in the bin, I flush it!" Gasp! Horror! Explain?

School toilet, with bin. By 4pm it's not pleasant!

Given that Korea is one of the more technologically advanced nations on the planet, it is surprising how, uh, shitty, the sanitation system is. The pipes are far too narrow for the amount of people that live here, so there are many instances of overflows, blockages and general stinkery. To combat the blockages, people generally throw their used toilet paper in a bin next to the potty. It is a disgusting habit, and one that many foreigners refuse to follow, myself included.

The downside to this disregard for the rules is that we often find ourselves confronted with blocked toilets, from nothing more sinister than 1-ply paper. The pipes are so small! One morning, The Lovely Gen had to deal with such a problem at home and came up with a genius solution. We didn't have a plunger, so she used the power of Google and fashioned her own device out of the toilet brush and a plastic bag. The bag, once shoved into the toilet, created a vacuum and a few sharp plunges sorted out the block. Easy peasy.

This past weekend we went to a fireworks festival in the coastal city of Busan, and found ourselves in a similar fix at 2am in our hotel room. But this time, no toilet brush was handy! And no shopping packet! So we did the next best thing: hanger and bathrobe wrapper! Thank god we were sober and could sort it out, as the floor was flooding. Also, thank god for drains in the middle of Korean bathroom floors!

TLG wrapped the hanger in plastic and tried to do her usual plunging performance, but it wouldn't create a vacuum. Water was going everywhere, I was helping by taking photos, she was screaming because her arm was in toilet water up to her elbow (TLG: "Thank god this isn't poo water!"). We then tried the second bathrobe's packet, which was used without the hanger. TLG bravely put her hand inside the bag, stuck her arm into the toilet and used her hand as the plunger. Voila! The water retreated!

She then proceeded to attack me with toilet water hands. Luckily we'd gotten an expensive room equipped with a jacuzzi bath to make it all worthwhile.

First attempt: Hanger and bag. Obviously useless.

It's not working. Water everywhere!

Bugger this for a joke, let me just use my hand!

Toilet water hand! I'm gonna get you!!!

I WENT TO A K-POP CONCERT... AND LIKED IT

When I first arrived in Korea nearly two years ago, I had never heard of K-pop. I was unfamiliar with the 90's-style boy and girl groups that dominate the music scene here, and the only Korean musician I'd ever heard of was Rain. It will also come as no surprise to anyone familiar with homogenous Korea that most of these groups sound/look/dance exactly the same.

Big Bang. My boyfriend is the one in the middle

Surprisingly, K-pop is extremely popular outside Korea, and even the USA has jumped onto the bandwagon with the emergence of Big Bang. These 'bands' make silly amounts of money, most of which the singers/dancers don't see, and come and go faster than junk food outlets. It's not difficult to see why these groups are so adored, though. They're beautiful. Boys are androgynous and the girls look like anime fantasy characters, the kinds of people Westerners dream about before coming to Asia.

Now, let's be clear. I don't generally like K-pop. It's all the same, I can't tell one boy band apart from the next, and I particularly don't like the girl groups. But. I love Big Bang. Like, a lot. I know their names, and I know what their songs are called in Korean, and I listen to their individual stuff. My favourite is Taeyang (watch the link, it's so dramatic!). If you ask my students, they will tell you that he is my boyfriend. Oddly enough, he is the most masculine of all the K-pop boys... I should like G-Dragon more...

Anyway! Despite my general ambivalence about the genre, I found myself at the Asian Song Festival this past weekend, where many very popular K-pop groups performed, as well as big names from Japan, China, Hong Kong and Thailand. The concert was free, held by the city of Daegu to thank the citizens for coming to watch the IAAF Athletics World Championships last month.

The stadium was packed, and we all got free blankets and glow sticks (I love Korea, always giving us free stuff). We sat with what seemed like the entire foreign population of Korea, down on the pitch in front of the stage. Clearly the organisers wanted the cameras to catch us, to show how cosmopolitan the whole thing was! See! Foreigners love Korean music!

The first few acts were fairly terrible, but hugely entertaining thanks to the overtly sexual dancing in a stadium filled with children of all ages. My friend Tim, who loves himself some Korean girls, was mesmerizsd. I don't think he looked away from the big screen for a minute. There was some horrifically bad lip syncing from the starter acts, they'd not yet mastered the art of keeping the microphone by their mouths when 'singing' and dancing.

BiBi Chou, from China

The international acts were good though. I really like a woman from China called Bibi Chou (watch the link!), who was quite sexy in an andro way and had a really good voice. You could tell she actually sang the songs, and she had some English lyrics in there too, which made a nice change. The guy from Taiwan, Peter Ho, was hilariously lame, but a granny in the row in front of us went mental for him. She kept telling us to stand up, but everyone else was seated so she jumped up and down all on her lonesome.

G.NA, rocking her upside-down heart ensemble

The main Korean acts were so slick and professional. These guys really know how to put on a show, especially the big names. Miss A kicked off the main acts, but alas I was in the mile-long line to go to the toilet! Bloody porta-loos! But I got back in time to see G.NA (pronounced Gina) who is super hot and all my boy students adore her. It was nice to hear a song I could sing along to for a change, and we all waved our glow sticks about as we sang 'Black and white'. Well, aside from Andrew and Fiona, who were bored out of their minds!

BEAST, currently the most popular group in Korea, as far as I can tell, was a massive hit. An entire section of the stadium held up green glow sticks in the shape of their band name, which looked amazing. They sang three songs, danced like machines in their black and white suits, and reduced many a spectator to hysteria. I think I had more fun watching the audience than the actual groups.

I'm not going to lie. I had a good time, and when time came to leave at 8pm to watch the Man United/Liverpool game... I stayed behind to watch the concert *hides face in shame*. Luckily my blushes were spared when the rain came down and I had an excuse to leave. We joined the mass exodus out of the stadium, before mega groups Super Junior and Girls Generation had performed. We thought the show would stop because of all the electronics, but as we got on the shuttle bus we heard it kick off again. Bugger.

SNSD, or Girls Generation

So those who stayed got to see Super Junior and Girls Generation, as well as Perfume and AAA from Japan. I wasn't that sad, honestly. I was K-popped out by that point and just wanted to get to the pub to watch the football. Pity United were playing like rubbish and ended up with a 1-1 draw, the clowns. I later discovered that the show was broadcast to 40 countries, maybe I'm famous in Bhutan!

I THREW A SURPRISE PARTY FOUR MONTHS EARLY

One of many things I adore about The Lovely Gen is her child-like enthusiasm about birthdays. Any birthday is exciting to her, and she looks forward to mine more than I do (because I'm turning 30 next year and am thus pretending time has stood still). She counts down to her birthday for a month beforehand, reminding me every day, "Babe! It's only X more days!"

Sadly for TLG, her birthday is at the end of January, which in Korea is a terrible time because most people are either on winter vacation or on their way home, so there is a distinct absence of friends. So, ignoring my own ambivalence about days of birth, I teamed up with our friend Megan to throw a surprise party for TLG and Rodney, Megan's boyfriend. Four months early. It was genius.

It wasn't a fancy party by any means. There weren't gifts or costumes or strippers, but it still took a month to plan, to give people notice and keep them in the loop about the events of the day. Don't write about it on Facebook. If TLG or Rodney ask to do something that night, you're busy/dying/don't want to be their friend. No gifts required. Just STFU!

We told the unsuspecting duo that we were taking them on a special double date to a fancy new restaurant. We had to get our ducks in a row and plan for any question they may have asked, as both surprisees were sure to be nosy. And they were. What kind of restaurant is it? What must I wear? Where is it? How did you find out about it? What are we doing afterwards? No question thwarted us and we set off for Daegu and our fictitious 8pm reservation. Megan had gone in earlier to set up the venue, claiming a 'meeting' with her former employers, so we kept in touch via SMS and were veritable CIA operatives. We ascended in the elevator, she was hiding with the friends.

SURPRISE! Even I jumped with fright. The look on TLG's face was priceless and well worth the effort. She really had no clue at all, despite my near-busts and terrible excuses. Rodney was just as thrilled, it was quite adorable how happy and special they felt. High five to everyone who attended and helped!

Luckily the boys had experience with balloons and did a wonderful blowing job.

The stunned duo

Look at that face! So cute!

TLG and I. Brownie points scored!

Birthday cake, courtesy of Tim. Kamsayo!

Rodders fancied himself Dave Grohl, after which he proceeded to trip over a wire and fall flat on his face.

Foooozeball! One of the many games we played that night, including pool, air hockey and beer pong.

Look at that mic technique! Could be on Idols!

Gen and I were beer pong champions... but not at Champs. We blame the tables.

Andrew kept saying very vulgar things into the mic, so Fiona shut him up.

Megan, my partner in crime, and Rodders.

The last song of the night, well, morning as it was 4am, with some random American girls.

The boys got all emotional and sang a long song, something to do with a house?

I RANTED ABOUT CHEATING SPORTSMEN

It must be really difficult being an international sports star. All that money, fame and butt-kissing is tough to deal with, it's no wonder so many players find themselves seeking solace in the boobs of blonde women. I'm looking at you, Mike Tindall/Tiger Woods/Ryan Giggs/Joost van der Westhuizen.

I really don't understand. How hard is it to keep it in your pants, lads? I know you're away from home for long stretches, and that women throw themselves at you constantly, but do you not stop to think about the consequences? I'm not even talking about the moral issues (I'm not conservative about many things, but I do think monogamy is legit), but think about the shit that will hit the fan when you're found out. And you will be found out.

England rugby captain Mike Tindall

Have a good time seeing your wife again, Mike? I expect the next family dinner at the Queen's house is going to be rather awkward for Mikey, given that his wife, Zara Phillips, is the Queen's grandchild. Married 6 weeks, mate. Really? Is it that difficult? You're not exactly David Beckham, son. I'd recognise my good fortune and beg forgiveness, if I were you. Same to you, Peter Crouch and Wayne Rooney. If you weren't sportsmen/millionaires you'd still be virgins.

Though in the interests of balance, it hasn't been proven that Tindall did anything other than stick his head between the blonde woman's boobs and get hammered with some 'dwarves'… But he then went on to lie about going to another bar with her, and only this weekend admitted to doing so. Wow, that's a long time to have memory loss, I wonder what prompted the bout of honesty? Another CCTV video?

What sportspeople who think about 'playing away from home' need to remember is:

A)You are famous, which means it will not stay a secret forever. Someone, be it the person you shagged or a witness, will sell the story at some point. You live in a goldfish bowl, which sucks for you, but it's part of the deal.

B) Even if the missus does forgive you, or believes that nothing happened that time, you've dented the trust she has in you. Every time you go on tour, or go on a night out without her, she will wonder what you're doing and worry. You will never come home to a calm, unquestioning partner again.

C) So to make your life easier, don't be a douche. And if drinking turns you into one, don’t drink. Keep your hands to yourself and your dick in your pants. If you can't do that, leave your wife so she can find someone hotter (Hi Elin Nordegren!).

I FLASHED AN OLD LADY

A small, bundled-in-scarves boy runs to his mom in the supermarket, huddles close to her and stares at me from behind her legs. Confusion is written all over his face, his nose scrunched and head tilted to the side. “What is this foreigner?” I imagine his brain pondering. Not WHO, but WHAT. He looks up at his mom and speaks softly in Korean, and I pick up enough to know he’s asking her if I’m a boy or a girl.

I’ve got short hair. I’ve had it a few inches off my scalp for the majority of my adult life and never really had an issue. I’m not particularly boyish, and I think it’s fairly obvious, even in the changing times of Caster Semenya and Chaz Bono, that I’m a woman. Unless you’re Korean, in which case brains seem to short circuit when confronted with my chopped locks.

The Lovely Gen and my short-haired self

When I first arrived here I taught at a small-town elementary school, and I was the first foreign teacher they’d had in a while. As a result, I was a huge novelty and on top of it I had short spiky hair. Well, did this only throw their universe off kilter. For the first week all anyone, adult or child, asked me was why I had short hair if I was a girl. I had 6-year-olds tell me I looked like a boy. Even now, teaching at a High School, I get kids who tell me I look ‘handsome’ when I get my hair trimmed.

The irony is that Korean men are so metrosexual that I’ve often done a double take to see if the really beautiful boy on the subway is in fact a cute butch girl. But foreigners who do not look like characters from English textbooks are not held to the same standard, and I’ve been stared at and scrutinized for ages on buses, subways, trains and even in bathrooms.

I’ve become used to walking into a public bathroom and being checked out by everyone in there. This is especially common in winter, when my black ski jacket conceals my rather obvious female assets. They turn around, look me up and down, stare at my face for a few seconds and then turn around again slowly, not quite sure but willing to accept that I know where I am. All those women with their identical straight haircuts and identical outfits.

The most memorable occasion was when I was in a hurry to catch a bus in another city. I needed the bathroom really badly and was running to the ladies room. I dashed inside and was gathering some toilet paper (big roll outside, not inside the cubicles. Don’t forget!) when an old lady came storming up behind me. She poked me in the ribs from behind with her umbrella and shouted “NAMJA!” Boy! As in, what the hell are you doing in here, get out!

She pointed and waved, and as I was about to go to a cubicle she grabbed my arm. Anneyo! Yeoja Hwajangshil! No, girls' bathroom! So I unzipped my jacket, smoothed my t-shirt tightly over my boobs and shouted “Yeoja!” The look on her face was worth all the times people looked questioningly at me. Take that, granny! 36C, biyatch!

I GOT LAZY AND PUBLISHED EMAILS ABOUT KOREA

Usually, when you arrive in a foreign country you're obliged to email the masses back home to tell them all about your adventure. Or, you, know, start a blog. I shall now combine the two practices by publishing a few emails I sent when I first arrived in Korea in February 2010. As I said before, this country is crazy, but it's mostly the same crazy for everyone! It's quite strange to read these 18 months later, and reflect on how much things change, people change, in such a transitory environment.

21 February 2010, a few days into orientation, meeting the Allstars

Hi all!

So I thought I'd send you a quick update about life in Korea so far. I'm sitting in an internet cafe, which is super fancy. They give you free drinks, you can spend hours here and it only costs R7 ($1) per hour, and you can do whatever you want! Most people play games for hours.

Blake, me, Tom, Sean and Libby

Anyway, I've been having a great time so far. It's been four days of lectures and beer. Oh, and Soju, which is Korea's national drink. It's kind of like vodka, except sweeter and not quite as strong, which makes it dangerous! They mix it with strawberry juice, which resulted in yesterday being a miserable one!. The people I've made friends with are party animals, which has its perks, but oh my word. They are at the pub right now waiting for me. Libby is my roomie, she's from Wisconsin, Tom is from London, Blake is from Dallas and Sean is from Glasgow. We're quite a motley crew but have bonded really well, almost to the exclusion of other people!

I still have no idea where I'm going to be placed, or what age group I will be teaching (probably little kiddies though). We've been having lectures about how to make lesson plans, how to communicate with the kids, etc, which have been super helpful and interesting. We've also been having Korean lessons, which I've loved. I can say quite a few basic things, and I told the taxi driver that I love him last night, which he found most amusing. And no, I wasn't even drunk! The kids here are so cute, we spent today doing touristy things and there were so many toddlers all over the place. The people here are fascinated by us, they stare without any shame, which is quite fun.

That's pretty much it for now. I will find out my destination on Thursday, and go there on Friday. I hope someone I know is going to be there too, I can handle being the only gay in the village (which seems to be the case so far...) but being the only foreigner would suck!

Must be off to the pub now! I'm taking advantage of being social before I get shipped off to the middle of nowhere.

8 March 2010, a week into the new job. Everything's still new and exciting!

Hi all!

So I’ve just finished teaching three classes of Grade 5 kiddies. It wasn’t too strenuous, I just had to show them a Power Point show of myself and then we played games. I played a game with them called chiggle chiggle chuck chuck, which is something they all learn as little kids so it was rather competitive. We managed to turn it into a drinking game at orientation but it’s actually rather innocent.

I teach grades 5 and 6, and then I have after school classes too where the kids sign up for extra English classes. I also have to do one hour a week of looking after the little kiddies, which should be fun. Damn, these kids are cute! I’m still getting used to the fact that they all stare at me ALL THE TIME! I half expect a paparazzo to pop out from behind the door at any minute. They walk past my office at every opportunity, and when I look at them or smile they screech and run away! Amusing.

Otherwise, all is well. I’m getting used to very few people understanding me, which was more difficult to deal with initially than I’d expected. It’s infuriating, and I have to remind myself where I am: a little town in Korea . Why would they speak English? So yeah, that’s getting better to deal with. The food, on the other hand, is not improving with time! I just can’t get used to it, and I’ve never eaten so much spicy food in my life! Every day with the chilies in everything! I do like some dishes, but they tend to be Chinese in origin. My absolute worst is a dish called Kimchi, which is the national food. It’s fermented, spiced cabbage. Yeah, it’s disgusting and they eat it with EVERY meal!

My apartment is now nicely kitted out, washing machine and all. I don’t know what the settings mean, so I did laundry last night on blind faith that the automatic setting was correct! And now my jeans are all laid out on the floor as the under floor heating is a very efficient drying system. The wee smell is also pretty much gone now, which is a relief.

Western fooooood!

This past weekend a bunch of us went to Daegu, which is the closest big city. We went to a bar and played Billibow. It’s a combination of bowling and pool. You shoot the cue ball down the long alley with a cue and try to knock the skittles over.

I think after this month things will begin to settle down properly. I only start teaching proper lessons next week, where I have to teach “How are you?” to the grade 5’s and “Where are you from?” to the grade 6’s. I can do whatever I like with the after school kids, which could result in numerous games of soccer outside…

As for cell phones and skype, I’ll sort that out once I get paid at the end of the month and have my alien registration card (oh yes, that’s what I am. I’m a prawn!) I can’t really do anything until I get that card. So proper communication will start next month, I promise!

23 March 2010, after a month of exploring and very late nights!

Annyong Haseyo! (That means hello/how are you/general greeting)

I'm sitting at my desk at school, voiceless and powerless in a country that doesn't understand me at the best of times, so I thought I'd swing y'all an update. You're excited, I can tell:)

So yes, I am without a voice. Everyone is getting sick this week, as four weeks of non-stop partying and hectic acclimation seems to have caught up with us. I was sick last week, and then I thought I was better and went away for the weekend. On Saturday morning, having gone to bed at 5am after singing at the Noraebang (karaoke bar), I awoke to discover a lack of sound coming from my mouth. Since then it's been a case of hand signals and whispers. The frustration of not being understood is double now, which is making me take deep breaths. Bizarrely, Koreans are very good at reading and understanding English so a notebook is actually working out quite well and I might keep using it once my voice is back!

Anyhoo, so the past three weekends have been spent exploring our province. It (Gyeongsangbuk-do) is the biggest region, so there's lots to see even though there are relatively few people. I told you about the trip to Daegu on the first weekend, which was awesome. Two weeks ago we went to visit Tom and Jack in Gumi, where quite a few of us foreigners are based.

In Gumi, which is lovely and nestled in some mountains, we decided to get some exercise in. So we climbed Mount Guemo, which is taller that Table Mountain and takes about five hours to summit. The most upper reaches were pretty icy, so most of us didn't go up that far. God, we almost died. Everyone else in my circle of friends smokes, so I've been second-handing it all month long (and you know how much I LOVE that!). We sounded like wheezing old men after about two hours, it was pathetic. But there was a Buddhist temple halfway up, which provided a stunning rest stop, and there was also a waterfall and a cave. After the hike we undid all our hard work by eating Pizza Hut and going to a bar called Waegook Cook till 5am. The bar was disgusting and sticky, but they showed Six Nations rugby, which was the main reason for the trip in the first place.

This past weekend Libby, Sean and I went to visit Blake in Gyeongju. (Our little group, aka the Allstars, consists of myself, Libby, Sean, Tom and Blake.) Gyeongju is the oldest city in Korea, and was the capital for much of the country's history. It's a world heritage site, as much of the city is classified as a museum without walls. We saw burial mounds of ancient kings (huge hills, like pyramids in concept), a fortress, the oldest observation tower in Asia and a pond surrounded by temples. We also went to Korea's number one tourist spot, called Bulguksa Temple, which was beautiful.

So with all this culture and history, we felt we deserved some frivolity. As some of you may know, karaoke (called Noraebang) is HUGE here. Seriously, eveyone does it and there's no shame in being terrible. You don't do it in front of a big group though, each party gets their own private room so it's brilliant if you're shy. Anyway, so we went to a western bar for some beers and a live band, then to another westen bar for tequila, and then to the noraebang. Oh dear. When you start singing 'Just the two of us' to a beer bottle, you know things have gone pear-shaped! That wasn't me though, that was Sean.

And that is how I came to be here, mute and emphysemic. You only live once, baby! As for the actual reason I'm here, the teaching kids bit, that's great fun. It's very rewarding, I didn't think it would be this cool. It's like acting on a little stage every day, albeit VERY slowly and with lots of hand gestures and miming. We've noticed that even when we're not teaching we use some of the motions in general conversation:) But I enjoy it and I'm really bummed that I won't get to teach some of the cool lessons I had planned this week.

This coming weekend I'll be staying home, obviously, and then the next weekend we're going to Seoul for the weekend.

6 April 2010, a recap of a mad weekend in Seoul

Greetings!

So I’ve just finished teaching some five year olds how to sing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, and thought I’d swing y’all an update while I still have a vocabulary of more than “Very good, excellent!”, “I like pizza,” and “Today is Tuesday”.

When last I wrote, I had just been to visit Gyeongju and ended up losing my voice. I then went to the doctor, who said I had to not speak for a week. Yeah, that went well. I didn’t teach for five days, during which time I sat at my desk and checked Facebook sixty five million times a day. I was so bored! I did manage to avoid smokey bars and such, which helped a lot. So I recovered, and am full-voiced right now.

This past weekend the Allstars went to Seoul. As with any other major city, it was ridiculously expensive, but it was a lot of fun. We went on the Friday night on the KTX, which is the bullet train that goes at 300km/h, and arrived in Seoul at 9pm. Plenty of time for a quick drink. What a joke, I don’t think I’ve been to bed before 2am on any weekend night since I got to Korea. I’m not kidding.

Allstars and Japanese girl, at Ho Bar

We went out for a quick bite, and then moved to the university area, where there are a lot of bars. We started off at Ho Bar, which amused us no end. We seem to be very restless when we go out and very rarely stay in the same bar for an entire night. We then went to some other place that sold crap yet expensive beer, and when next I looked it was nearly 4am. I have no idea where time goes!

The next morning we got up at around 10am, ate noodles and went out to see some sights. We were staying in a dorm room type place, which also contained two Japanese people, a girl and a guy. So the night before, in a fit on international diplomacy, we invited them along with us. Big mistake! The guy seemed to feel the need to protect the girl’s innocence (Wahaha! What a joke, the hussy!) and ended up nearly punching Jack for holding her hand on the way home. So the next day he apologized and left the hostel, bags and all. Oh well, more space for us.

Anyway, we met up with Dani (fellow Rhodes person) for lunch. Shame, she was sick but came along anyway. We ate some very expensive food (four times the price of our little provincial town) and then went to see a palace. It was called Gyeongbok Palace and was built in the 1300’s. Massive! There were uniformed guards in front ala Buckingham Palace, and everyone seemed to be posing with them as they stood impossibly still. What a kak job! We wandered around there for a few hours, and then went to find an ancient stream in the middle of the city. It used to be underground, but the current president dug it up with he was the mayor. Very pretty in the sunset.

We then went to find the giant pillow fight at city hall. We hung around in the cold, waiting for Tessa to arrive (she was supposed to meet us at 1, it was nearly 6pm) and for the fight to start. Suddenly, the square was filled with foreigners holding pillows and at exactly 6pm all hell broke loose. Fluff flew everywhere, heads were bashed in, locals stared in horror at the stupid Waegookins (foreigners). We then went to the western area of Seoul called Itaewon, which is close to the US military base.

Itaewon is like walking into the USA. It’s bizarre to see NO Korean anywhere. We went to an Irish bar called the Wolfhound, where you can have bangers and mash, burgers, fish and chips or a full English breakfast. I had the latter, it was delicious! I drank beer and proper tea simultaneously. The bar was cool, but some of the clientele left much to be desired. The Army guys were there, Jarhead haircuts and all, wearing t-shirts saying ‘Fuck this shit’ and playing darts. Libby and Blake were horrified, being from the USA themselves. At this bar we also hung out with some of Tess’s friends from Suwon.

Blake, far left, fascinated by out cross-dressing friend

After this bar we went to a place called Scrooges, which shows SA rugby and Premier League soccer, so we watched Man United lose to Chelsea while eating biltong and filling in rugby raffle tickets. Tess won a kilo of boerewors, I’m so jealous! We left there after a while and went to the gay area of Seoul called Homo Hill. Yeah. It’s overrated, I’m not gonna lie. But we did find a cool little place called Trance, which showed a drag show at 2am, which was amazing. Seriously, you had to remind yourself that the performers were men, and Blake said, “Oh my god, I’m so confused! Is it wrong that I’m turned on right now??” Sean, Tom and I went home at 4:30am but the others went to sing Karaoke and got back at 7!

Libby, Laurie and I with our Yong Moo Do instructor, 'Beast'

We took the slow train back on Sunday afternoon, arriving back at 7pm. I was so tired! I still am. It’s not helping that Martial Arts classes are nearly every night and carry on until past 10. It’s fun though, I have a green uniform and it has my name on the back and down the pants leg. I’ll send a picture soon. Three of us are doing it for free (Libby, Laurie and I) and for the most part we spend the class teaching them English. It’s a very nice bunch though, and it’s good to socialize and interact with Koreans. I’ve actually picked up quite a bit just by going to class, and a lot of the stuff I did as a kid is coming back to me. Oh, they gave me a black belt and it has my name on it in gold, it’s so cool!

And now, seeing as my desk has been moved into the staffroom (I was not impressed!) I’m being called to eat rice cakes. Not the hard crunchy kind, the kind that’s sticky and disgusting. They LOVE them, I hate them. It proves to be an exercise in diplomacy every time they serve them. Ugh.

A RAINBOW-COLOURED HIPPO MADE ME CRY

In my previous post I regaled you with the story of how I discovered a fibroid the size of an orange in my uterus. The following is the tale of my hospital adventure.

As you can imagine, having invasive surgery in a foreign country, without your family (let’s be honest, mostly your mom) is super fun. The whole experience was surreal, from the big prayer circle the surgeons conducted as they put me under, to the fact that I ate the same thing (rice and seaweed soup) for a week, to the insanity that is surgical aftercare in Korea. Nurses who help you? Um, no. They give you drugs. (But they're very sweet while giving you said drugs!)

I can guarantee you that a hospital stay in Korea is unlike any other you’ll experience. I arrived at 8am on the day of the operation, and they quickly administered a delightful enema and inserted a catheter. Like, within 10 minutes of my arriving! I barely had time to say goodbye to a tearful Lovely Gen. Then, I was told to walk myself to the operating theatre down the hall (catheters are so comfy when walking!) and lay myself down on the gurney/operating table.

Before they could get cracking, the poor nurses and doctors had to remove my belly ring, which had been in place for the past 10 years and was thus reluctant to bid my belly goodbye. Confused looks were exchanged, much Korean was muttered (crazy foreigner, must be a gangster, etc), and then someone fetched a pair of pliers. After realising that my skin was not enjoying being stretched to breaking point while being stabbed with a rusty tool, they gathered for a prayer and put me under. I even counted backwards from 10 in Korean, high five to me!

When I awoke, I found myself in a room with four other women in various stages of childbirth/aftercare. The room wasn’t big enough for all the patients, let alone the nurses and various visitors next to, on and even under the beds. To make matters worse, in Korea they keep maternity hospitals really hot as it’s ‘good for health’ so I was boiling. I had a sandbag on my cut, which was much bigger than expected thanks to a surgical complication, a huge IV shunt in my arm and pain radiating to every part of my body.

The Lovely Gen visited me every day. So did the hippo.

Thank god for the morphine clicker, which kept me oblivious for the next 24 hours. During this time, I got to see the fibroid they had removed and put in a glass jar. I told everyone I loved them, including The Lovely Gen (true) and my co-teacher (she’s nice, but not true). I spoke to my mom on the phone but had no recollection of it later on, and various people came to visit me.

In Korea your family looks after you in hospital and there are no visiting hours, so there were people all over the place, all the time. The Lovely Gen had to sleep on a pallet under my bed, but got zero rest that first night thanks to bright lights, nurses coming in and out with meds, making sure I was ok, the other women moaning and having babies, etc. In all seriousness, I would not have survived that week if it hadn’t been for her. She was exhausted by the end of it, and still let me stay at her house for 2 weeks to recover. If I wasn’t sure she was the one for me before that, I certainly was afterwards.

You’re probably thinking, “Ok, this is all well and good, but what’s the deal with the rainbow-coloured hippo?” So I shall tell you forthwith. I had a shunt in my arm, for drips and injections, etc, which was not very comfortable. So my friend Fay bought me a long, rainbow-coloured hippo plush toy to rest my arm on. I love rainbows. Anyway, while examining this gift I looked at the tag, and it said that this thing’s name was Clytia, which I read as Clit-ia. Clytia the hippo. I have a filthy mind at the best of times, so drugs made sure I found this hilarious, which was not ideal in my current, cut-stomach-muscles state. Laughing hurt like a bitch!

The next evening, a bunch of friends came to visit me, which was very sweet of them. Before they arrived, I asked The Lovely Gen not to tell them about Clytia, because laughing hurt too much. Despite this, the news leaked during a lull in conversation, with everyone sitting around my bed. They all examined the toy, and started giggling. They tried hard not to laugh, the poor things, but you know how it is. You laugh hardest in church because you’re not supposed to. And the more they giggled, the more I laughed/hurt/ruptured my innards.

Finally, as everyone else burst into hysterics, I burst into tears because I was trying so hard not to laugh out loud that the morphine no longer helped. As you can imagine, there’s nothing awkward about that at all! Silence followed, feet were shuffled, throats were cleared and suddenly everyone had to leave for various reasons. The Lovely Gen was horrified, and to her credit she still apologises when I mention this cruelty. I would like to take this opportunity to apologise to everyone who witnessed my melt-down! Thanks for visiting me!