I RANTED ABOUT CHEATING SPORTSMEN

It must be really difficult being an international sports star. All that money, fame and butt-kissing is tough to deal with, it's no wonder so many players find themselves seeking solace in the boobs of blonde women. I'm looking at you, Mike Tindall/Tiger Woods/Ryan Giggs/Joost van der Westhuizen.

I really don't understand. How hard is it to keep it in your pants, lads? I know you're away from home for long stretches, and that women throw themselves at you constantly, but do you not stop to think about the consequences? I'm not even talking about the moral issues (I'm not conservative about many things, but I do think monogamy is legit), but think about the shit that will hit the fan when you're found out. And you will be found out.

England rugby captain Mike Tindall

Have a good time seeing your wife again, Mike? I expect the next family dinner at the Queen's house is going to be rather awkward for Mikey, given that his wife, Zara Phillips, is the Queen's grandchild. Married 6 weeks, mate. Really? Is it that difficult? You're not exactly David Beckham, son. I'd recognise my good fortune and beg forgiveness, if I were you. Same to you, Peter Crouch and Wayne Rooney. If you weren't sportsmen/millionaires you'd still be virgins.

Though in the interests of balance, it hasn't been proven that Tindall did anything other than stick his head between the blonde woman's boobs and get hammered with some 'dwarves'… But he then went on to lie about going to another bar with her, and only this weekend admitted to doing so. Wow, that's a long time to have memory loss, I wonder what prompted the bout of honesty? Another CCTV video?

What sportspeople who think about 'playing away from home' need to remember is:

A)You are famous, which means it will not stay a secret forever. Someone, be it the person you shagged or a witness, will sell the story at some point. You live in a goldfish bowl, which sucks for you, but it's part of the deal.

B) Even if the missus does forgive you, or believes that nothing happened that time, you've dented the trust she has in you. Every time you go on tour, or go on a night out without her, she will wonder what you're doing and worry. You will never come home to a calm, unquestioning partner again.

C) So to make your life easier, don't be a douche. And if drinking turns you into one, don’t drink. Keep your hands to yourself and your dick in your pants. If you can't do that, leave your wife so she can find someone hotter (Hi Elin Nordegren!).